Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 4^th April, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Viticulture, where players take on the roles of beneficiaries in rustic, pre-modern Tuscany who have inherited meager vineyards. Each player starts with a few plots of land, an old crushpad, a tiny cellar, and three workers.  Using those workers and visitors, players can expand their vineyards by building structures, planting vines, and filling wine orders.  The winner is the player with the most successful vineyard in Tuscany.

– Image used with permission of BGG reviewer EndersGame

And talking of wine…

Jeff got on a bus one morning and sat down next to a priest.  He was on his way home after a night out and stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.  He opened his newspaper and slowly started reading.

A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replied, “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, imagine that,” the Jeff muttered in reply and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thought about what he had said, and after a couple of moments, turned to Jeff and apologised.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so judgmental. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis, Father,” Jeff replied, “But I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 21^st March, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Habitats, a tile laying game in which players build a big wildlife park without cages or fences.  Animals need their natural habitats: grassland, bush, rocks or lakes.  Points are awarded at the end of the game based on whether an animal’s requirements are satisfied; the player with the most points is the winner.

– Image used with permission of BGG contributor punkin312

And talking of wildlife parks…

Starting his new job at a wildlife park, Jeff asked the Head keeper what he should do for his first task.

“Go and clean out the aquarium” he was told.

Arriving at the aquarium, he discovered that all the fish were dead. He rushed back to the head keeper and asked what he should do.

“Throw them to the lions,” said the head keeper, “The lions will eat anything”.

So, Jeff returned to the aquarium, picked up all the dead fish and threw them into the lion’s cage. That done, he was instructed to go and clean out the ape house.  When he got there, he was shocked to discover two of the chimpanzees dead in the cage, so he rushed back for instructions.

“Don’t worry,” said the head keeper, “Just throw them to the lions, the lions will eat anything.”

So Jeff returned to the ape house and threw the dead animals into the lions cage.  Next he was told to go along and help clean up the insect house. Busy cleaning out one off the exotic hives, Jeff noticed that in one hive all the bees had died.

“I know what to do,” he thought to himself, “I’ll throw them all to the lions, as the lions will eat anything.”  So Jeff he swept up all the dead bees and threw them into the lion cage.

The next day, the zoo obtained a new lioness. The lioness was walking around the new cage for the first time, and started asking the other lions what to expect.

“Hows the accommodation?” she asked.

“Fine,” came the reply from one lion.

“And whats the food like?” she asked.

“Not bad,” answered another lion, “Yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees…”

Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 7^th March, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Citrus, a tile laying game where players are building citrus plantations.  In order to build, however, it’s essential to harvest plantations from time to time as this is the only way to bring in new income, but when is the timing right? And most importantly, which plantation should be harvested, thus taking it out of the race for the important points during the scoring?

– Image used with permission of boardgamephotos

And talking of citrus fruit…

Jeff had been suffering from a cold, so went to the market trying to buy some oranges.  He asked at the first stall he came to, but the stall-holder apologised and explained he had no citrus fruit today.  So, Jeff continued round the market asking everywhere for oranges, but to no avail.  Eventually he came back to the first stall and thought he’d try his luck again, but again, the the stall-holder apologised and explained he had no citrus fruit today.

By this time, Jeff was desperate and begged the stall-holder, who was beginning to get exasperated.  In the end, he said to Jeff, “Answer a three questions and I will get you your oranges from the back.”

Jeff agreed and the man started asking his questions, “First, spell ‘cat’ for me, as in catastrophe.”

Jeff thought for a moment and then replied, “C A T”.

“Very good,” the stall-holder said, “Now spell ‘dog’, as in dogmatic.”

Jeff didn’t hesitate this time, “D O G,” he responded.

Finally, the stall-holder asked, “Now spell, ‘flip’, as in oranges.”

Jeff paused a moment, puzzled. “But there is no ‘flip’ in oranges,” he answered eventually.  The stall-holder replied, “That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you – No Flippin’ Oranges!”

Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 21^st February, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Bokken Schieten (aka Ziegen Kriegen or Cliff Hanger). This is a quick little trick-taking game in which players accumulate goats.  The winner of the game is the player who collected the most goat’s heads without going over the limit dictated by the central hill.

– Image by boardGOATS

And talking of goats…

Jeff was driving round London when a policeman pulled him over.  “What are you doing with that goat?” he exclaimed, pointing to the goat sitting in the passenger seat. “You should take it to the zoo.”

“That’s an excellent idea officer, I will do just that!” replied Jeff and the Policeman waved him on his way.

A week later, the same policeman saw Jeff again, once more with the goat in the passenger seat, but this time both were wearing sunglasses.

As before, the policeman pulled him over, “I thought you were going to take that goat to the zoo!” he said angrily.

Jeff replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 7^th February, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Roll for the Galaxy, which is the dice game of the popular empire building card game, Race for the Galaxy.  The dice represent the players’ populace, which are directed to develop new technologies, settle worlds, and ship goods. The player who best manages his workers and builds the most prosperous empire wins.

– Image used with permission of BGG contributor punkin312

And talking of dice…

Jeff was sitting his finals and, for the last multiple choice exam took a handful of dice with him into the hall.  As soon as the exam started, be began furiously rolling the dice to select his answers.  The invigilator gave him a long look as he passed, but it is not uncommon for students to resort to luck when they get stuck.  Jeff soon finished the paper and, tired with all the exertion, pillowed his head on his arms and went to sleep.  After about half an hour, Jeff suddenly sat up, and started furiously rolling his dice again.  The invigilator was curious and suddenly worried that maybe something was going on, so he approached the candidate.

“Excuse me, what are you doing?” he asked.  “Why are you rolling the dice again if you finished the questions earlier?”

Jeff replied, “I’m just double checking my answers…”

Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 24^th January, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Bohemian Villages, which is a tactical dice-rolling game that allows you to claim different types of buildings in shared villages and use the powers of those buildings.

– Image by boardGOATS

And talking of Villages…

The village elder was setting out to a meeting of the heads of local villages.  He had only just started on his way (on foot, of course), when Jeff called out from behind asking him to wait. When he caught up, Jeff asked where the elder was going and whether he could accompany him on his journey. The village elder explained that he was going to the nearby town to represent their village at a meeting with other village leaders.

Jeff looked impressed and fell silent for a few minutes as they continued to walk on steadily, side by side.  Then he said, thoughtfully, “That’s an awfully old coat you’re wearing. It’s worn at the elbows and, look, there’s a stain right down the front. What kind of impression will it give of our village at the regional meeting?”

The village elder was a little annoyed, but he knew that Jeff meant well so he overlooked the remarks. He merely replied in mild tones that it couldn’t be helped because he didn’t have another coat.  Jeff had an idea though, “I know, why don’t I lend you my coat? It’s brand new, and you will be able to hold up your head and our village’s reputation at the meeting.”

The village elder was going to decline, but thought better of it, especially when he saw how eagerly Jeff was making his generous offer.  So they stopped and exchanged coats right there on the road, and continued on their way.

By and by they saw a traveller coming toward them from the other direction.  As they neared each other, Jeff greeted him eagerly and with a proud, proprietary air launched in on energetic introductions.  “Good morning, sir! This is our village elder. He is going to the local town for a meeting of village elders, and the coat he’s wearing is mine!”

This embarrassed elder no end, and as soon as the traveller was out of earshot he turned on Jeff and said to him angrily, “Why did you have to mention that the coat was yours? Don’t do that again, do you hear? It is injurious to my standing as the village elder.”

Immediately contrite, Jeff readily agreed, and so they continued on their way once again. After a few more miles they saw in the distance another traveller coming slowly toward them, and the village elder looked hard at Jeff and said, “Remember, don’t tell him that the coat is yours.”

Jeff assured him that he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice, and the elder breathed a sigh of relief. As they met the traveller, Jeff again took it upon himself to introduce his illustrious companion, “Good afternoon, sir! This is our village elder. He is going to the local town for a meeting of village elders, and the coat he’s wearing is… his own.”

As soon as they were at a safe distance from the second traveller, the village elder stopped in his tracks, faced Jeff, took him by the shoulders and glared angrily into his eyes.  The elder said, “Listen here, what did you mean by that remark? You drew even more attention to the coat by saying it was mine. There is no need to mention the coat at all. If we come upon another traveller, please, please, don’t say anything about the coat again! Do you understand me?”

Jeff assured the village elder that he did indeed understand and that he would never again make the mistake. He was clearly so very sorry that the elder was soon ashamed of having lost his temper. He made his peace with the poor fellow and they set on their way once again. They were nearing their destination when they saw in the distance another traveller making his way toward them. The elder gave Jeff a meaningful look, and Jeff nodded reassuringly, as if to say, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it under control.”

Soon they were close enough for Jeff to begin his introductions, a task which he took very seriously and of which he never seemed to tire.  “Good afternoon, sir! This is our village elder. He is going to the local town for a meeting of village elders, but don’t ask me about the coat he is wearing, I don’t know anything about it!”

Our next meeting will be on Tuesday 10^th January, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Jórvík, in which players assume the roles of Viking jarls. They gather prestige points by trading goods, holding big feasts, funding pillages, commissioning craftsmen and hiring soldiers to defend the city against recurring invasions.  The game is a re-theme of The Speicherstadt and its expansion, Kaispeicher.

– Image by boardGOATS

And talking of Vikings…

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, Jeff, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census…”

As is now traditional, our last meeting of the year will be the New Year party on Monday, 31^st December 2016.  As it is New Year’s Eve we will be starting early and will be meeting in a private house in Stanford, with food later.  Please get in touch if you would like to come along so we know how much food to prepare.

The plan is to start off early with the “Feature Game”, which, As has become traditional, will be the gorgeous, dexterity car-racing game, PitchCar.  We will be eating later and maybe set off some fireworks at midnight, depending on how cold and wet it is!

– Image used with permission of BGG contributor garyjames

And talking of cars…

A policeman sees an elderly woman driving incredibly slowly on the motorway, so he pulls along side and notices her knitting in the driver’s seat.  She remains focussed on the road and keeps knitting and driving.

He beeps his horn to get her attention, but she is oblivious and carries on.

Getting more frustrated, the policeman turns his siren on and, as she finally notices him, he signals for her to wind the window down.

After a time she finds the button and down goes the window.

Incensed, the cop yells, “PULL OVER!”

“Oh, no sweetie,” she replies holding up her knitting, “It’s a scarf, see?”

Our next meeting will be on Wednesday 28^th December, at the Horse and Jockey pub in Stanford-in-the-Vale.  As usual, we will be playing shorter games from 7.30pm as people arrive, until 8pm when we will start something a little longer.

This week the “Feature Game” will be Chicago Express (aka Wabash Cannonball), which is an economic game with a train theme and zero-luck.  The game is fairly simple, with three possible actions per turn and a maximum of eight rounds.  The player with the most money at the end of the game wins.

– Image used with permission of boardgamephotos

And speaking of trains…

Jeff decided to visit his sister who was living in France. He assumed that most French would speak English, so didn;t even take a phrasebook with him.  Unfortunately, Jeff fairly quickly discovered that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched Jeff’s ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. Not wanting to look stupid, Jeff simply nodded from time to time to show him that he was interested.

When he had gone, a pretty American tourist, also on the train, leaned towards Jeff.  Initially, he thought his luck was in, but she just and politely asked if he spoke French.

Jeff blushed, “No,” he admitted.

“Ah, that explains it,” the American answered.

Not wanting to miss his opportunity with a pretty lass when she was a relatively captive audience, Jeff continued the conversation.  “Explains what?” he asked.

“Oh!” she replied, “It explains why didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”